Tentacle Death Trip Read online

  The tentacles were dragging a few more Christians behind the car. Their screams created a harmony with the roar of the engine. It was music to Drac’s ears. He looked in the rearview and saw something large looming on the horizon. It wasn’t more Christians. In fact, it didn’t even look human.

  II.

  “Oh, for goodness sakes!” Mama Hell said as she finally got her car out of the ditch. She drove around Hoghead Heaven, navigating around the corpses. She passed the barricade and turned right, taking the same route as Junko.

  As she drove down the road with blue houses, Mama saw something that made her slam on the brakes. “What in the hell………?”

  Her van slid across the road and hit a curb. She was now able to get a good view of the monstrosity. It was four stories tall, a grotesque giant made of trash, bones, books, and wire, possessing a giant penis made out of a telephone pole.

  A monster.

  Then she saw the ropes.

  It wasn’t a living, breathing monster. It was a giant marionette.

  A fucking puppet.

  “You got to be kidding me!” she said, putting her van in reverse. The giant moved closer to her, its legs stomping on the street with a loud clang. She looked on the roofs of the buildings and saw the Christians operating it, pulling various wires in unison to make the thing move. The Christians were screaming something so Mama rolled down her windows as she turned her car around.

  “Scrutumi Goliath!” the Christians yelled, as they pulled on their ropes to make the gigantic abomination walk down the street. Its penis wobbled slowly.

  Mama Hell’s van was facing the opposite way now and when she stepped on the gas, the car would not move. “What the hell?” she said, stepping on it again. She looked in her rearview mirror and saw chained hooks holding her car in place. The chains were attached to a telephone pole where a group of Christians were holding torches.

  “Scrutumi!” they yelled and threw the torches at her car. The marionette behind them marched faster to Mama Hell. She stepped on the gas but it didn’t do any good. It took only seconds for the monster to be on her car, its pole-penis lying on the roof.

  “Damn you!” Mama screamed, sending the car in reverse. She knocked into its foot and it leaned over, its penis falling down in front of her with a thundering phallic boom.

  She could see now that the wood penis was carved with glyphs, horrible and perverse drawings that reminded Mama Hell of that one summer she volunteered at a homeless shelter. It disgusted her.

  The minivan hauled ass out of there, speeding away from the Christians and their Goliath. When she was halfway down the street, she heard an explosion. In the rearview mirror she saw the tip of the giant penis spurt a cloud of dust, paper, and rocks. The minivan’s back window shattered as the ejaculation reached her car. Crumpled pages of pulp novels fell into the car along with blue rocks.

  “Freaks!” she screamed, ducking down in her seat and swerving to avoid another one of Goliath’s load.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Wham, Bam, thank you, Mama Hell!

  The little lady found herself on the receiving end of old Goliath’s romance. Yowzah! And so what about the other racers? They’re entering a new zone! You know that that means, don’t you? More fun! More mayhem! But more importantly….more death!!

  Yes, it isn’t called Hell’s Fish Market for nothing! Luckily, however, if the racers get to that zone, they reach the one and only gas station on the route. There they may gas up, rest, and plan their next move. For those who just joined us, the drivers are not allowed to attack each other when they’re at the gas station. It’s neutral territory and if anyone disobeys that rule, well, they’ll be decapitated on sight by our resident enforcer Mr. Block.

  Let’s hope the local citizens of the Fish Market aren’t too angry about being woken up from their slumber. They can get pretty grumpy if they have to leave their water coffins too early.

  I.

  The route from Hoghead Heaven to Hell’s Fish Market curved considerably, bringing the racers near the coast. Once in the heart of the zone, the only route that allowed driving was right alongside the ocean. Everything else was blocked off by spikes, barbed wire, concrete blocks, and other obstacles placed there by the inhabitants. Going east was not an option.

  Samson sped down the road, the beach to the left of him and wreckage to the right. He wanted to get to the gas station as soon as possible.

  He turned to Paulo who was looking out the window. “Hey kid.”

  “Yeah?” Paulo said, not taking his eyes off the ocean.

  “Did you live in Hoghead Heaven?”

  Paulo’s chin dropped to his chest while he shook his head.

  “Okay.”

  There were a few more minutes of silence and then Samson said, “You know, I had a family once. But…..”

  Paulo said, “They died in the war?”

  “No,” he said. “I was lucky enough to be one of the people who had their family intact after all that shit happened. How about you? I know you don’t really want to, you know, talk about it but I mean, it’s good to do that, talk about it. It might make you feel better about things.”

  Paulo shook his head.

  “Okay,” Samson said. “But I think it’s nice that even after the war, your parents had you and took care of you and if it wasn’t for those goddamn Christians…..”

  “What happened to your family?” Paulo said.

  “They…well, I had a son…but he’s……probably dead.”

  “That’s sad.”

  “I guess deep down I think he’s alive, though. My wife, she left me after my son was taken. You know I really thought after the war, after all that shit, the nukes and everything, that I’d be okay because I had my family. We were doing okay despite everything around us. Because of my job I knew a lot of people all over the country and we had some friends we could connect with if we needed help. I think we were some of the lucky ones.”

  “What was the war like?”

  “I only know from TV. I wasn’t in the war or near any of the bomb sites. But even then it was hell. We first heard about a foreign city getting bombed and then one that was a little bit closer to the USA and then closer and closer. Then a city inside our country and then closer and closer again. I think the whole country was shocked we were even hit at all let alone with nukes. It was crazy. People freaking out all over. Some looted, some went to church, some went around killing people. Some people just sat back and figured it’d all go back to normal, you know? They thought the president would fix everything. But you know where the president was? He was dying of some plague or something from a biological weapon.”

  “Sounds scary,” Paulo said.

  “Yeah.”

  “Where are you going to get food?”

  “There should be some stuff at the gas station. But if we win the race, we’ll get a lot. That’s one of the prizes. Food and gasoline….and a place to stay.”

  Paulo frowned. “Someone’s just going give that to you if you win?”

  “Yeah,” Samson said. “At least that’s what the plan is. You never know what someone’s going to end up doing.”

  “We’re going to the gas station now?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What kind of food is going to be there? Seafood? Fish and stuff?” He pointed to the ocean.

  Samson laughed. “You don’t want to eat the seafood around here, kid. It’s all radioactive. The people who live her are all screwed up from it. They don’t even sleep in real beds. They sleep in bathtubs filled with ocean water.”

  “But then where do they get the food?”

  “I think they brought the food from somewhere else… or at least I hope so,” Samson said. He looked in the rearview mirror. “Oh shit.”

  It was Drac Dunwich.

  “Shit, he’s fast.” Samson felt like slowing down and getting behind him to mess the guy up but knew that was too much of a risk. Instead, he kept the guy in his sights and waited for Drac
’s move.

  A loud pop shook him.

  “What was that?” Paulo said.

  “It’s a goddamn tire.” Samson felt the car flutter and swerve to the right. He navigated around a few potholes, pulling into a small alcove made of barbed wire and large concrete chunks. Luckily, Drac sped past him, tentacles waving obscenely to Samson as the car passed.

  “Shit,” Samson said, grabbing his gun and getting out of the car.

  “Wait!” Paulo said, opening his door.

  “Stay here. Remember what I said, okay?”

  Paulo nodded and got back into his seat.

  Samson surveyed the damage. Yes, one of the front tires was flat but he did not have a spare tire. There was supposed to be shit like that at the gas station but how the hell was he going to get there?

  There was a noise coming from the beach across the street: coughing and the rattle of shells. Samson cocked his weapon and stared in the direction of the sea.

  A tall, shirtless man was walking across the beach holding a net full of crabs, some alive but some extremely dead and rotted. Samson thought the man looked harmless, even a little bit friendly. When they made eye contact, the man smiled and waved with his one free hand.

  “How’s it going?” the man said, looking both ways and crossing the street over to Samson and his car.

  “Okay,” Samson said, his weapon still prepared for a possible confrontation. As the man got closer, Samson could see the crabs caught in the net looked horribly deformed. One resembled a human infant with a dark yellow shell.

  The man said. “You in the race?”

  “Yeah.”

  “No need for the gun,” the man said. He turned completely around to show he hid no weapon. “I ain’t armed.”

  “Doesn’t mean you’re not dangerous.”

  “Good point.” The man smiled. “I’m Lee.” He dropped the crab net and sat down on the ground, putting his palms on the ground. “See? I’ll just sit here like this. Then we can talk. I can help with the tire if you want.”

  “Why so helpful? Not that I don’t appreciate it or anything but it’s not something I’m used to.” Samson thought the guy might be working for Mr. Silver, put there to help or hinder the drivers. Or he could have just been a lone psycho who was itching to mess with anyone.

  “Man, I’m just a guy who lives off the sea and likes to walk on the beach, do my thing. I don’t mean any harm to anyone even the mean ones, you know, the ones who have lived here their whole lives, the ugly ones, know what I’m saying?”

  Samson said, “So you don’t live here? In the Fish Market, I mean.”

  “Nope. I just go up and down the coast. Do what I can to get by,” Lee said. “I know where there’re some tires. The people here, well, they don’t have need of tires and cars and things like that. You want help?”

  Samson took a quick look in the car and saw Paulo staring at him. It was risky having a stranger assist him with the car but it might be their only hope in getting fixed in time. One of Mr. Silver’s guys might come around eventually but that could take hours. If he kept the gun ready at all times, letting this guy Lee help might not be a bad idea.

  He said, “Sure, that’d be great. Thanks.”

  “May I stand up?”

  “Yeah.”

  Lee stood up and walked back to the beach. “Be right back,” he said over his shoulder. Samson kept his gun ready.

  A minute later Lee came back, rolling a tire beside him and smiling widely. “Here it is. Hope it fits.”

  “Thanks,” Samson said. “What do I owe you?”

  Lee laughed. “Nothing.”

  “You gave me a tire. I assumed it was a trade.”

  “No trade. I just found the tire on the beach. Not my tire. I’ll even put it on for you if you want. You’re in a race, right? Take some time to relax.”

  “Why the hell are you being so nice? What the hell is your angle, Lee?”

  “No angle, man. I told you, I just like to get by. I like to go through my days without any conflicts, any problems. I found out a long time ago the best way to do that is to just be nice.”

  “You’re going to end up getting killed one of these days, you know that?”

  Lee smiled. “Yeah, I know it.”

  Samson let Lee change the tire all the while keeping his gun hand relaxed and ready just in case. As soon as the new tire was on the car, Paulo opened his door slowly and walked out. He stared at Lee.

  “How are you, sport?” Lee said.

  “Fine.” Paulo walked over to Samson.

  Lee said, “So what’s your story? This your dad?”

  Samson interrupted. “No, I’m not. I found the kid in Hoghead Heaven. The Christians were chasing him.”

  “Those goddamn Christians always killing kids and pregnant women. Shit, those are some crazy people.”

  “They do that a lot?”

  “Yeah. You don’t know that part? They want to cleanse the earth or something and so they think people shouldn’t populate the earth anymore or whatever. If they see a pregnant woman, they kill her. They don’t care. Shit, they worry about humans killing the earth but they kill kids, man. They eat people and all that. Won’t eat a crab or anything but they’ll chop up a person and cook them right up.” Lee saw Paulo was getting upset. “Sorry, sport. I shouldn’t be talking about this stuff.”

  Paulo looked down, wiped tears, and then said, “Are you part of the race?”

  “Me? No. Thank god for that.”

  Samson said, “What’d you hear about it?”

  “All I know, man, is that this is supposed to be the race to end all races. Death, destruction, and all that shit.”

  Samson said, “Thanks again, Lee.”

  “No problem. Oh, take some crabs, too. Not the best tasting but they’re good in a pinch.” He handed Samson one of the more normal looking crabs in the net. “Just cook it real good and it’ll be fine.”

  Though Samson had no intention of eating the animal, he took it anyway as to not appear rude. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Paulo look at the crab in confusion.

  The men shook hands and Samson got into the car with Paulo and they drove away, watching Lee wave to them in the rearview.

  “We’re not going to eat those crabs, are we?” Paulo said.

  Samson laughed.

  As they drove away, the man named Lee watched their car, giggling to himself.

  II.

  Seven Years Ago

  Tomato Joe laughed.

  He drove away on his motorcycle and laughed as Samson’s son was on the back of his bike. The boy was nothing now but a piece of merchandise.

  Samson was on the ground next to the car, crying hysterically. He had failed as a father. Yes, he had fought when the bikers had grabbed Jack. He had even landed a good shot right on Bowsman’s jaw. But he was outnumbered. They pummeled him with fists, feet, and whips. They even urinated on him.

  Carol also tried to prevent Jack’s abduction but she was slapped to the ground and raped by Tomato Joe’s men. She was left bruised and violated while Samson was held down by Bowsman and forced to watch.

  Once the bikers left, Samson was able to look Carol in the eyes though he didn’t really want to. Seeing the way she was staring at him, Samson knew she was full of hate and wishing they had taken him instead of Jack.

  He said, “I’m sorry.”

  Carol face’s exploded into a grotesque rage. Samson had never seen her so ugly. Her words bombarded his ears but he couldn’t wrap his head around what she was saying. It was the culmination of everything she had ever disliked about her husband and the father of her only child. It was a mother’s wrath from a damaged mind.

  After the barrage of curses, Carol picked up a large rock and slammed it down on Samson’s head, knocking him out. When he awoke, the car was gone and so was his wife.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Yowzah! This is exciting, folks! Our racers are nearing the service station so now it’s time for them to
fill their vehicles up and get a little bit of refreshments and supplies. Boy, do they need it! Yowzah!!!

  Our man Samson got a little roadside assistance from New Jersey’s favorite psycho Lee Basatan. Isn’t that hilarious?

  *

  I.

  The gas station was surrounded by bare-chested men in torn denim jeans. They held guns and blades of various types but all wore the same style of dark aviator sunglasses. Their muscles flexed uncontrollably and their pores sweated green pus.

  Drac’s car was next to the first pump sucking down the gasoline with several tentacles while Drac himself was leaning against his vehicle, looking out into the distance to see what had happened to Samson.

  He had been tempted to mess with the guy on the side of the road but there was something dishonorable about that. Sure, Drac wanted to win the race. He wanted to win it with every fiber of his freakish being but there was an aspect of his personality that would not allow him to snuff a guy who’s on the side of the road fixing a flat tire.

  Drac walked over to another pump, pulled a hose off, and put the nozzle to his mouth. As he sucked down gasoline, his glass head turned from transparent to an amber color. He felt stronger, more focused, and more intent on winning the race.

  “Hey, dumbass,” said a voice behind him. He turned around and saw the woman who dressed like a teenage girl and talked into her cell phone like a crazy person. What was her name? Oh yeah, Gabby.

  “What?” Drac said.

  Gabby laughed. “What the hell is wrong with your voice? You sound like a little girl.”

  “What do you want?”

  “Stop hogging the gas, dipshit.” She started playing with her hair, putting it into a ponytail, taking it out of the ponytail, putting it back in a ponytail. “Leave some for the rest of us.”

  “You want to start something, do it on the road. Then you’ll see,” Drac said, nodding his head and pointing at the road.

  Gabby laughed. “Yeah, I bet I will, fag.” She walked away towards the main building of the gas station. Several guards were standing around, eyeing up the racers and smoking mushroom cigarettes. She walked up to the biggest guard and said, “Hey, you mind if I…..?”